Breaking the Chain: Stop Negative Thinking in Its Tracks After a Big Mistake

Have you ever made a big mistake? Ha-ha, we are all human, and just as I have done... you will make mistakes or have times when you do something wrong and wish you could have a “re-do”. I’m definitely not perfect and you aren’t perfect either, so you will do some things you probably will wish you could take back. Take a moment to think about it now: do you have something in your mind? Something you did that you regret?

It isn’t really a problem until you start to beat yourself up over something that’s already done; something that can’t be undone. Your mind is tricky and sometimes it can get stuck in a loop. Especially if you feel shame, humiliation, deep regret, sadness, embarrassment, mortification, or maybe you even feel like you’ve been discredited. Maybe you find yourself saying, over and over, “Why did I do that, how could I have been so stupid, I’m a complete idiot!”

These types of feelings are powerful and probably make you want to hide in a hole and never come out.

It’s possible you are going through something like this right now and you might think the mortified feelings and embarrassment will never end. You might be waking in the night, while your mind swirls with images and thoughts of everything that transpired yesterday. It just keeps playing, over and over, while you feel powerless to make it stop. Are you actively avoiding engaging with your boss or certain people at work because you can’t look them in the eye right now?

I have a few examples of these types of moments where I have done something, sometimes unintentionally and even sometimes it was actually an intentional action that I thought would come across different. Either way I have had those moments that left me feeling quite embarrassed and ready to hide my head in a hole like an ostrich.

- UNINTENTIONAL: About 20 years ago, I was a young manager of a fairly large team. A group of my peers and I were emailing each other about a new policy our boss had just enacted, earlier that day. Of course, we were (mildly) making fun of him and complaining with strong humor about the changes. Our boss had a unique spelling of his name, so I used the email global address book to find it so I could make sure I spelled it properly. Unfortunately, I forgot to delete him off the email and… I clicked send…. The SECOND I hit send, I remembered to check if I deleted his name and I saw HIS NAME WAS STILL ON THE EMAIL as it left my outbox. YIKES.

- There is a LOT we can learn from this one story about what NOT to do, but the main point I want to make from it today is how embarrassed I felt afterward and how I could not stop thinking about what a stupid mistake I had made. It happened late on a Friday, so I was not going to be at work or see my boss for the next two days, which was both a blessing and a curse. If I had been able to run right to his office and apologize, the painful part would have been much shorter. Unfortunately, I had to wait until Monday to see him. Also, we had a mandatory meeting at 8am Monday, so there was also no way to avoid him forever. So, my mind circled and ruminated and worried about what was going to happen and how I could fix it. My one second decision to gossip and dip into the muck in an email, especially in a way that deteriorated respect for the Chain of Command and organizational leadership, not to mention the BIG mistake of adding the subject of our discontent to the actual email, in question, had made a BIG mess of things, especially in my own mind. I utterly could not think about anything else.

- INTENTIONAL Example: There have been other times when I honestly thought I was doing something right, something good, something people would love and it has gone awry in some unexpected way. For example, some presentation or proposal that I submitted to leadership, where I was certain my team and I had developed an amazing plan – only to have it abruptly shot down in front of multiple other leaders. This is embarrassing to various degrees - especially when you were 100% sure you were doing something great but then abruptly discover you are clearly out of alignment and clearly not understanding strategic guidance or the intent of your CEO. When you receive that message in a very public way, it can feel humiliating, humbling, chastising, etc.… (Whether it's around a conference table or a Zoom meeting with key leadership, it can have a lingering sting.) In these cases, I have sometimes felt very similar to the e-mail story, spinning in thoughts of, “How could have I been so wrong, how did I read the situation incorrectly… how do I fix it? Now everyone probably thinks I’m an idiot, etc.”

Why is this a problem?

These are two fairly minor examples and things like this can happen every day. Sometimes it might be much more minor than my personal examples and I am sure you can imagine it being MUCH worse as well. Of course, you can do somethings to prevent these situations before they happen, but no matter what -- you will likely make some mistake in your career or life, and it is really the thoughts you have about those mistakes that are the cause of your suffering.

Negative thought spirals can be debilitating, especially in a professional setting where confidence and clarity are crucial. They will keep you from walking through the world as your best self and if you stay in these thought loops for too long… you’ll begin to deteriorate you own long-term self-confidence.

If you are looking to be seen as executive material, here are some of the most important reasons you must learn to deal with negative thought loops:

1. **Focus & Decision Making**: You know, from my experience, I've seen how negative thoughts can really sneak in and disrupt focus. As an executive, you're always multitasking, making decisions on the fly, and guiding your team. If those negative voices get too loud, it can throw off your game, leading you to miss golden opportunities. It's like trying to drive with a foggy windshield – you can't see the road clearly.

2. **The Ripple Effect of Leadership**: Think of yourself as a lighthouse for your team. Your attitude and mindset cast a light that everyone follows. If you're circling in a negative loop, your team might sense it and get disheartened. You have this unique power to uplift and inspire, and shaking off those negative thoughts helps maintain a positive, motivating atmosphere.

3. **Health & Wellbeing**: It's not just about the mind; our bodies react to our thoughts too. Constant negativity can manifest as stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues like heart problems. It's like feeding your body junk food. You need to be in top form to lead effectively, and taking care of your mental health plays a big part in that.

4. **Your Personal Growth Journey**: I've always believed that what we tell ourselves shapes our path. If you're constantly battling self-doubt, it might make you hesitate in taking on challenges or exploring new avenues. Every challenge, every mistake, is a chance to grow. And addressing those pesky negative thoughts can help you see these moments as opportunities, not setbacks.

5. **Vision & Strategy**: Here's the thing – as the person at the helm, you've got the crucial task of steering the ship, setting the course for your organization's future. Negative spirals can cloud your vision, making it hard to plan long-term. It's essential to keep a clear, optimistic perspective, ensuring you're plotting the best path forward for everyone.

Always remember, this journey has its ups and downs. And as your executive coach -- I'm right here, ready to support you through it all. You've got this! Getting stuck in negative thought loops can be challenging, but it is NOT a permanent state.

How do you know if you’re experiencing excessive thoughts of mortification or embarrassment? These feelings pop up in a multitude of ways. Here are five ways you might experience them in your life:

1. Nagging Thoughts: Do you ever feel like certain negative thoughts just won't leave you alone, no matter how hard you try to shake them off? It's like a song stuck on repeat, right? Sometimes they're about specific events, or they might just be those general feelings of self-doubt.

2. Body Talk: Our bodies have a way of showing what our minds are going through. Maybe you're tossing and turning, laying awake at night or maybe you've noticed changes in your appetite? These could be your body's way of responding to those looping thoughts.

3. Feeling Low or Anxious: Are you finding yourself more worried than usual or feeling a bit down? Sometimes, when our minds are clouded with negativity, it dampens our spirits or makes us jittery.

4. Focus Woes: Struggling to concentrate? If those negative thoughts keep spinning, they can make it tough to zone in on tasks, affecting work or even just day-to-day stuff.

5. Steering Clear of Triggers: Noticed that you're dodging certain places or people after an embarrassing moment? It's natural to want to avoid reminders of that event, but sometimes, it means we miss out on things we usually enjoy.

Hey, remember, it's completely okay to feel this way. I’ve got you… let's get to the good part now and chat about what you can do when you find yourself with these thoughts n repeat – we can work through them together.

Negative thought loops can be detrimental to your mental well-being and hinder your ability to move forward after you make a mistake. So I want to give you some good options to start to work through your thoughts and feelings and get back to making your mark on the world!

1. Spot those Thoughts: If you’ve discovered that you've got some negative thoughts popping up over and over, that's okay! The first step is to acknowledge them without judging yourself. Just notice them with the full curiosity of a 7-year-old who finds a sparkly rock, then runs to wash it so they can analyze the full spectrum of all it has to offer within. This one action alone makes a huge difference in how you feel, almost immediately. It is when you try to avoid, distract yourself, or repress the feelings that will cause the most misery. These types of actions don’t resolve the root cause of the feeling, but rather amplifies the negative impact of these thought loops. Imagine you are Indiana Jones or a great explorer who just discovered something unique and have some fun examining all the facets of your thoughts and feelings.

2. Question the Thoughts: Are those negative thoughts really true, or are they just assumptions? Take time to figure out what's factual and look at things from a different angle. You’ve heard me say it on almost every episode of this podcast, but take the time to write down the cold hard facts and separate your own subjective thoughts about those facts. Doing this helps you to gain perspective and this perspective will help you make a plan to get to the other side.

3. Stay Present with Mindfulness: Have you ever tried meditation or deep breathing? They're great ways to anchor you in the now, so those looping thoughts don't take over. One thing I like to do, especially in the moment it happens, is try to find some space for my brain to process. By space, I mean even a minute where I can pause and get ahold of what is actually going on. In first-aid terms – you can think about this much like triage. Is there anything you must do now to get “off the stage” so to speak, as gracefully as possible? This is essentially – taking a pause so you can plan your transition to a location where you can fully process the entire situation. One way to do this is deep-breathing techniques. I like to picture the bad thoughts I am having flowing out of my body with my breath and as I breathe in, I count and feel bright colorful, beautiful thoughts flow in. This practice to me is a multi-sensory activity. I can see, feel, smell, and hear the thoughts going out and in. Very often these techniques will not only pause long-term thought loops, but even immediately after the embarrassing event occurs – techniques like will give you that moment to keep yourself together so you can gracefully transition.

4. Everything Helps You Grow – if you let it: What can we learn from this moment? I often wonder, “How is moment happening FOR ME?”

5. Build a bridge: Let's come up with a believable thought that you want to think. This is not a full-on thought-swap – that doesn’t usually work. It's all about setting the tone for the kind of energy you want around.

6. Keep Expectations in Check: Mistakes? They're growth in disguise. Everyone slips up sometimes – it's human.

7. Lean on Your Circle: Chat with a close friend, family, or hey, even me – afterall an Executive Coaches are skilled in helping you independently process these feelings safely.

8. Plan & Progress: Develop a plan to fix what went wrong and avoid it next time. Having steps in place can make you feel more empowered and less bogged down by negativity.

Remember that breaking free from negative thought loops takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and continue working on these strategies to develop healthier thought patterns and a more positive mindset.

Activity: Breaking the Negative Thought Loop

Objective: Understand and disrupt persistent negative thought patterns to foster a more positive and productive mindset.

1. Thought Journaling What to do:

• Carry a small notebook or use a digital note-taking app throughout the day.

• Every time a negative thought surfaces, jot it down.

• Alongside each thought, write down the triggering event or circumstance (e.g., When I walked up to the front of the conference room, I tripped over a cord and people in the room laughed.)

Why it helps: By documenting these thoughts, you externalize them, making them easier to analyze. Recognizing triggers can also help you be better prepared or even prevent certain thought patterns in the future. For instance, when you write down the actual facts, you might notice that only one person laughed and most people asked if you were ok.

2. Challenge and Reframe What to do:

• At the end of the day, review your Thought Journal.

• For each negative thought, ask yourself:

o "Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?"

o "Is there another, more positive way to interpret the situation?"

o "What would I advise a friend who expressed this thought?"

• Write down a more constructive or positive interpretation next to each initial negative thought.

Why it helps: Challenging thoughts can break the cycle by interrupting your acceptance of negative assumptions. Reframing helps you develop a new, more positive narrative.

The more your practice these activities, the more resilient you’ll become when things don’t go your way.

Conclusion

This topic is really important, because in order to grow toward senior leadership – you are going to have to get out of your comfort zone, which may make you feel more moments that are uncertain, awkward, or downright embarrassing. Learning to manage your mind in these moments will help keep you on the path forward, as you aspire to ascend the executive ladder.

Remember, every thought you allow to utilize your precious brainpower will shape your reality, your decisions, the way you see yourself and ultimately, the way others perceive you.

By mastering your mind, you will not only elevate your professional stock but you’ll also inspire and impress others around you with your ability to not be deterred, and to maintain your grace under pressure.